...Then there are those who crave a relationship. They yearn for a relationship, to such an extreme, that they make an unwise choice that leads to sadness, dissatisfaction and broken hearts. The majority of the adult single population fit into the later way of thinking. Desiring a loving, nurturing and safe relationship, they do it: they settle...
If one settles for a less than pleasing relationships out of the fear of being single and the longing to be a couple, once the relationships falter, the result will be a life full of heartaches. If choosing to remain in the relationship, it will certainly lead to living a life that is not the one truthfully desired. If a person has had a string of broken hearts or is very unsatisfied in their relationship, looking at this from the standpoint of being responsible for whom you choose to be with in a relationship, may bring new perspective to the possibility of settling. If settling is occurring, identifying this as the underlying problem, a person can take preventive measures.
Let us look deeper into the reasons of why one settles. We are raised to believe that the ideal life is one in which we fall in love, marry and then have usually have children. Creating our own family and growing old with our soul mate is instilled in our minds from a very young age. As we enter our late teenage years and early twenties, we are usually weaving our way through relationships, trying to decipher what type of person best fits our needs to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. If a person does not find a truly compatible mate, one that fulfills their emotional and physical needs, provides love, understanding, concern and support through life's difficulties, it is at this time that one may opt to settle. ...
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The mistake of settling
I can definitely relate to this
Happy marriages - is there such a thing?
I used to think if someone was married it meant they were happy and 'successful' and if someone was not (be it single or divorced) it meant they were not as 'successful'. To me, it was a status thing too.
I've now learnt that it's all a farce or facade most of the time. Those people who you think have a great relationship or marriage may be lying to themselves a lot of the time. Plus they only portray the good side of everything so you never really know what's going on behind the scenes.
I would like to get married again some day but if I don't I think I would still be happy if I found the right man/person.
That previous blog I mentioned had this to say
I've now learnt that it's all a farce or facade most of the time. Those people who you think have a great relationship or marriage may be lying to themselves a lot of the time. Plus they only portray the good side of everything so you never really know what's going on behind the scenes.
I would like to get married again some day but if I don't I think I would still be happy if I found the right man/person.
That previous blog I mentioned had this to say
Fifth of all, consider that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce. Of the 1/2 that survive, how many of them do you think that the people in them report as being “happy”? Do you think it’s 90%? Do you think it’s 75%? Nope: only 30% of married partners claim that they’re “happy” inside the marriage! That means that 15% of all marriages are happy. Those aren’t very good odds!
FACT: If you’re miserable when single, you’ll be miserable when married. As long as you keep believing that you need another person to “complete” you, you will be chasing a mirage of happiness, and end up disappointed every time.
I’m not trying to paint a bleak picture here of marriage for you, but I’m trying to help you change your focus. Marriage isn’t the goal - having a good, solid, happy relationship; where all people involved (even your kids) should be the goal.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Another light bulb moment about my father
I just had another light bulb moment reading one of the links I just posted.
When an abusive man/partner knows you are trying to leave he will get very angry because you are seeking independence away from him.
I just realized this is the same reason my father got so angry when my sister wanted to move overseas, and why my father also did the same thing to me (despite the fact I was over 30). He'd tell both of us that we couldn't 'make it' etc etc which is similar to an abusive partner telling his wife that she's worthless without him and can't 'make it' etc. So over time she begins to believe this shit. Because if we left, he would have noone and nothing to control anymore. And noone to possess or obsess over.
Aahh...
When an abusive man/partner knows you are trying to leave he will get very angry because you are seeking independence away from him.
I just realized this is the same reason my father got so angry when my sister wanted to move overseas, and why my father also did the same thing to me (despite the fact I was over 30). He'd tell both of us that we couldn't 'make it' etc etc which is similar to an abusive partner telling his wife that she's worthless without him and can't 'make it' etc. So over time she begins to believe this shit. Because if we left, he would have noone and nothing to control anymore. And noone to possess or obsess over.
Aahh...
More
Just thought of some more stuff.
Gaslighting
You MAY have depression and/or a mental illness but more than likely you don't. However, your man will make you THINK you do. He'll also make you go crazy with other thoughts. This is called 'gaslighting'.
Family relationships
I should have mentioned before that an abused man is more than likely to have been abused by one or both parents while growing up. Now abuse doesn't necessarily mean being hit, it can be emotional or psychological. Ask him about his childhood. If there are glaring holes in his story or he claims to not remember he is either covering up something or lying. I still don't know anything much about my ex's childhood no matter how many times I tried to ask. He actually got angry that I even asked and now I know why.
No matter how glowingly he talks about his family or siblings he probably had a rough childhood one way or another. And YOU did too. You can both deny this till you're blue in the face but the fact is people end up in emotionally abusive situations because it's all that they know.
Pathological lying
Sooner or later he'll start lying about important things to do with his past and his actions. Then he'll call YOU are liar. This is called 'projection'. He feels guilty for his wrongdoing and projects it onto you.
Good articles
1
2
3
Gaslighting
You MAY have depression and/or a mental illness but more than likely you don't. However, your man will make you THINK you do. He'll also make you go crazy with other thoughts. This is called 'gaslighting'.
Family relationships
I should have mentioned before that an abused man is more than likely to have been abused by one or both parents while growing up. Now abuse doesn't necessarily mean being hit, it can be emotional or psychological. Ask him about his childhood. If there are glaring holes in his story or he claims to not remember he is either covering up something or lying. I still don't know anything much about my ex's childhood no matter how many times I tried to ask. He actually got angry that I even asked and now I know why.
No matter how glowingly he talks about his family or siblings he probably had a rough childhood one way or another. And YOU did too. You can both deny this till you're blue in the face but the fact is people end up in emotionally abusive situations because it's all that they know.
Pathological lying
Sooner or later he'll start lying about important things to do with his past and his actions. Then he'll call YOU are liar. This is called 'projection'. He feels guilty for his wrongdoing and projects it onto you.
Good articles
1
2
3
How to spot an abusive man - my experience and advice
MY DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSIVE MAN and figure out why you keep dating losers
After realizing that time and time again I kept attracting and dating the 'same' loser guy and reading endless amounts of information I vow to STOP this behavior once and for all. Not only that (if I can) hope to help stop it happening to other women as well.
First of all - and the same goes for any kind of health problem (physical or mental) - no two people with the same problem will have exactly the same 'symptoms'.
Secondly, abusive men are NOT born, they are made. There are many causes why they behave like this but from my personal experience bad role modeling is the main one. It does not matter if his parents are widowed, divorced, separated, married, whatever. The fact is, the father was NOT THERE. Even if he was there physically he was not there emotionally. And even if he was there he was more than likely sending out a subliminal message to this baby/toddler/child/teenager/young adult that it's OK to treat his wife(the guy's mother)/women like a servant or a slave. If you observe his father (or your own father) critically you'll see (in hindsight) that the signs were all there. And of course HIS father was probably also the same and back and back through the generations it goes...
Thirdly, to put it bluntly, the woman who puts up with his crap has low self esteem and probably has had for a large part of her life. The relationship with her father plays a HUGE part in all of this too, particularly if she is an only child, the oldest child, or the only girl in the family.
I liken the woman's self esteem to health of a human body. People with good self esteem are healthy. People with low self esteem are weak. The man is like a virus (let's say the flu) who tries to attack everybody, but knows it can only succeed by attacking the weak (which is why not everybody has the flu at the same time, and some people catch it really easily, and some hardly ever get sick). The man (or the flu) KNOWS and can scope out these WEAK people are and attack them because it knows that the STRONG people will not tolerate them, or be able to give them the flick and not put up with them. I'm not sure if everyone gets that analogy but that's how I look at it anyway.
Meanwhile, no matter how arrogant, cocky, egotistical this man appears on the outside, deep down he ALSO has feelings of insecurity and low self esteem (not that he'd admit it in a hundred years).
So, knowing these basic facts, here are some other similarities based on my years of experience of dating these losers.
* Above average in looks
* Above average in intelligence
* Above average in status/wealth/career
* Above average in health and fitness
* Has lots of (male) friends (who actually have the exact same mentality about women)
The abusive man (or loser) will more than likely have ALL of these characteristics, or at least 3 or 4 of them.
I don't know about you but I would have thought that every woman would be looking for a guy with these characteristics. I was looking for them both consciously and subconsciously. I mean you hear about people talking about wanting their children to be 1) healthy, 2) intelligent, 3) beautiful and therefore I assume that every woman wants the same for a future partner too. Well I did. For me there was another part of the equation and that was the career/money thing. It didn't always start out like that because I was a student and they were a student too so neither of us had full-time jobs, but then as I finished studying and started dating guys who WERE working full-time somehow my unconscious mind told me I needed to find someone with 'status'. They didn't have to be exceedingly wealthy (average income was fine by me, I am NOT a gold digger - at least not consciously) but they had to earn enough to live on and earn enough to be a 'provider'. I realize that this was happening without me knowing due to my relationship with my father, who has always been my provider and provided for me financially. So basically, deep down, I was looking for a man who had all the qualities (both good and bad) that my father did.
The thing is though (whether you realize or not) you too will have all or most of the qualities on that list too. Basically what I'm trying to say is that the both of you are the types of people who others think 'have it all' on the outside, but deep down you're both just lost, scared, have low self-esteem, looking for love and validation, and more than likely co-dependent (more about that later).
THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM
The first time you meet them, or the first date, they will absolutely blow your mind with their charm, wit and charisma. You are constantly thinking to yourself, "How lucky am I to have not only found a guy like this, but to find a guy like this who actually likes me?" Your mind starts clicking overtime and you can already imagine yourself dating him long term and maybe spending the rest of your life with him... They will impress you in many ways. Mostly their charm. They will really be a "Prince Charming", but they will also impress you in other areas such as how intelligent they are and how much they know about (seemingly) every topic under the sun, their job, how much travel they have done, and various things like that. They will have lots of interesting stories to tell (just like I'm sure you do too).
The both of you will feel some kind of 'instant attraction' as if you were just 'meant to be'. Unlike normal/good/healthy relationships which happen gradually over time, yours will be instant and fast. It's as if you stop thinking rationally and everything just goes out the window because you are so much in 'love'. The first few dates or weeks (months even) will be amazing and you'll feel highs like you have never felt before. You'll be on Cloud Nine every day. You'll find it hard to concentrate on other areas in your life because you'll be thinking about this guy and the time you shared together 24/7.
So, before you know it, you're a couple, an 'item', and you're in a long-term relationship. Things will progress naturally but then gradually the 'red flags' will start coming up. You probably DO see them but choose to ignore them because you are so much in 'love' and feel like it's not a big deal.
But back to the QUALITIES
* Charming
As described above
* Lack of respect for women
Stereotypically, an abusive man has no regard for women and views them in a lesser light than men. You will read this everywhere. However, from my personal experience, the abusive man who is extremely intelligent and cunning knows that women are looking to see how he treats other women (ie how he talks about his mother or sister/s or ex, how he treats the waitress, etc). He's probably had his fare share of women who dumped him for his abusive ways and has read up on this and knows how to 'trick' his date/future girlfriend.
So either he'll totally degrade women verbally (and maybe not so openly but more subliminally) OR he'll be at the other end of the spectrum (where in hindsight I can see it was totally over the top) where he is pro-women's rights and keeps says that this or that is too sexist, praise every female he knows (especially his mother), say that he hated how his dad treated his mother and he never wants to be like that, or say that his dad told him he was never to disrespect his mother, etc etc.
* Sense of entitlement
The abusive man will feel entitled to everything. He has rights and privileges that his partner (or children) do not. Not only does he look down on women, he looks down on children, animals, those of a different race, basically anything 'lesser' than him. Not only is he sexist but probably racist and homophobic too; he would never admit this and would even go the other way to say how he is so against discrimination etc.
* Money
Like the women thing above, this could also go both ways. Either he is exceedingly generous with his money (which is what I've experienced 9 times out of 10) or extremely stingy. The other scenario is that he has no job and/or no money and wants to live off you (I have read about this but I have no experience in this scenario so won't talk about it).
For me (it's taken me this long to realize) my mind somehow interlinked money with love. I know that my father loves me but he never ever showed it through affection (physical contact) or words or anything like that so somehow my brain thought that money equated with love. If a person (especially a man) gave me money or gifts, or fancy dinners or anything, it somehow meant that he loved me. Or at the very least adored me and therefore made me feel really special. It was a real light bulb moment when I FINALLY realized this.
* Romance and Chivalry
It seems that money and romance are kind of linked, for me anyway. It seems that all the 'charming' men I have dated knew how to sweep me off my feet with romantic gestures and spending money on me. It's almost as if they are mind readers. They know what you want and they know what you want to hear. They know EXACTLY what you want (probably from watching too many romantic comedies, I don't know) because it's what every woman wants. To feel special. To feel like the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful woman in the world.
So, fairly early on (on the first date or subsequent dates), he'll either carry out these romantic gestures or he'll start making plans for them. He'll do things like bring you a gift (or flowers or chocolates) on the first date, he'll take you to a fancy (more than likely expensive) restaurant, offer to pay for the meal (and refuse if you offer), he'll be completely and utterly chivalrous (pull out your chair for you, let you walk through a doorway or staircase first, offer you his coat if you're cold, walk you back home or to your car, wait with you, make sure you're safe if you're crossing the road, and all the other things we see in Hollywood movies and are looking for in a man).
In the early stages of dating (first few weeks up to about 3 months) he'll just blow you away with all these kinds of gestures. He'll show up on your doorstep unannounced with some kind of gift, or tickets to something, or call you and tell you he's taking you to a 'mystery' restaurant for a 'surprise', You'll be over the moon every day you're with him and your friends will think you're the luckiest girl on earth (as you do too).
Now, I am sure there are guys who are NOT abusive and who do NOT have ulterior motives for doing these kind of things but since I have never been in such a relationship I can't comment on that aspect but just wanted to note I'm not saying that every romantic and chivalrous guy is an abusive loser.
* Sensitivity and taking criticism
One particular guy I dated (we only lasted 4 dates) blew me away in so many areas - mostly his model-like looks and his intelligence but he was just so sensitive. It was like walking on eggshells all the time. He couldn't take any sort of constructive criticism and took everything really personally. I didn't think much of it at the time but now have realized it is a trait of abusive men. Of course noone likes to be criticized, but in abusive men they take it MUCH harder than any normal person and they'll turn it around and make YOU feel like the most horrible person for saying such things (when it was hardly anything). Fact is: No abusive man can take any sort of criticism. If you're in a long-term relationship with one you'll eventually give up discussing any sort of serious topic because it's bound to end in tears and fireworks. They take it as a personal attack on their character and blow up like a bomb. They only expect complete adoration and admiration. You can never EVER say anything that's the slightest bit negative (now matter how nicely, slowly, softly, gently and constructively you say it).
* Criticizing YOU
So, you can't criticize him in any shape or form, but he'll have free reign to criticize every single thing about you - from the way you wear your hair, to the clothes you wear, the friends you hang out with, your job or your studies, your habits, how well you clean the house...
If the house is not perfectly immaculate 24/7 or the dinner you've made isn't five-star hotel quality - BEWARE! You'll constantly feel on edge and as if you are just not good enough and somehow, if you keep trying, you can eventually please him. But FORGET IT. You'll never live up to his standards of perfection. He expects women to be perfect in every single way. (the same with his father and his mother). He'll start making little comments regarding your appearance and you'll feel like you have to dress like a 'stepford wife' at home all the time.
* Low self esteem
As mentioned above, although it may seem unlikely to you now, BOTH of you have low self-esteem. An abusive relationship just works like that. An abusive man puts on a big show and bravado (because to the rest of the outside world he IS the perfect gentleman in every way, shape and form) about how great he is, he acts egotistical and all, but deep down has self-loathing and fear. Control and power is all about fear. So, he tries to control you. And you just take it. Month after month, year after year. You don't realize what's happening because it's all so gradual but sooner or later you've been worn down to NOTHING and you have NO self esteem left. At all.
* Control
Most people think of control as something physical. Like pushing someone but psychological control is much harder to detect. And as I said before, when some happens so gradually and slowly you don't realize that it's happening until (sometimes) it's too late. So anyway the abusive man will control you in little subtle ways. It's similar to criticizing you, but apparently it's all for your own good. He knows he has power over you in every way shape and form (usually but not always he is older, taller, heavier, and of course stronger). Then there is the money thing again. Statistically men earn more money than women, and more women stay at home to look after children than men. So of course it is likely he'll earn more than you (but not always). If he does he'll use it to control you. Where at first he was 'just' being generous and romantic, he's now using it to keep you 'hostage'.
A lot of women find it hard to leave an abusive man for this very reason. Especially if they have children. They feel they will be unable to start from scratch. Unable to pay for housing, bills, food, the car etc. They can see no way out of their hopeless situation because they have no job and/or money of their own, so they stay. For years. Or even a lifetime. I think that is really sad and shows that your self esteem CAN be whittled down to nothing if you keep staying with a man like this. After giving it a great deal of thought I realized that my ex-mother-in-law has had the same treatment from my ex-father-in-law. It just explains so much.
So that's enough about the qualities... Back to my ex-inlaws.
When I was first dating my ex-husband he was sharing (renting) an apartment with 2 friends. After some months he purchased a property (for investment) and because of the mortgage decided to move back home and luckily his parents didn't expect him to pay any rent. (he didn't move into the property because it was way too far from his work). So because he lived at home now I spent a great deal of time observing his parents and how they interacted with him, and with each other. Fairly early on in the relationship all of us actually went overseas too with his brother and wife, and other friends of theirs. I guess I've always been a very perceptive person (well I hope so) and always analyzing people, things, situations... and now I realized that all those weird, crazy, bad feelings and 'vibes' I got from their family were well and truly founded.
If you look at their family from the outside they are pretty normal and 'perfect'. You've got the mother and father, married 30+ years, with the 2 handsome, successful sons with good jobs and properties. They all make a decent income and live in a nice home in a nice suburb. When I asked my ex about his childhood he had nothing but good things to say about his parents and about growing up.
But the more I thought about my ex-FIL the more things became clearer. The way he treated his wife. She had been working full-time since she finished high school up till now (so around 40 years) and was also the cleaner, cook and primary caretaker of their children. I sat around in their house on weekends and observed how the father never helped with anything and just sat in front of the tv like a lazy couch potato, allowing his wife to do everything. And I mean everything. Even taking the dog for a walk, or mowing the lawn. I just thought she liked doing these things but now I realize she was doing them to escape the wrath she'd incur if she DIDN'T do them.
Then were were his 'little' comments about women and Asian (or some other ethnic race) women in particular, and why he/they liked going to Thailand and going to 'go go bars' and such. Then there was the time my sister was invited to their house to have dinner and my ex-FIL just wouldn't stop talking and when ex-MIL interrupted she looked very guilty and said, "Sorry" and he gave her a 'look' as if to say, "How DARE you interrupt me, how dare you say anything at all!" kind of thing. Then there were the times he'd put me down and then when I got upset would laugh and say, "Oh but I was only joking. Don't be so sensitive." etc. So here's another quality...
* Talking way too much
A common theme I've found is that abusive men talk too much. WAY too much. My father is the opposite so he doesn't count (as I've said, no two abusive men will have the same traits) but generally speaking, abusive and controlling men are VERY very good at talking. They are good at public speaking, speeches and presentations. They make good salesmen. Statistically, women talk more than men but with abusive men it's usually equal to or even more. They just talk non-stop all the time and they usually have to be the center of attention (though not with everyone) when they are with a group of friends. Like I said before, they expect admiration and adoration at all times.
When you are first dating this comes off as a good thing. Even though they are talking a lot they still seem to be listening to you. And then you remember your friends' complaints about their partner not talking enough and you think to yourself, "Gee, how lucky am I to have found a guy I can talk to so easily!"
* Clinginess, neediness, obsession with you
It may take you some time (and maybe you saw the 'red flags' all along but chose to ignore them) but from the beginning I can see now in hindsight that there were these elements all along. YOU think that he just thinks you're 'special' but sooner or later his clingy, needy side will show and then eventually you'll realize he's well and truly just OBSESSED with you. This is why it can be dangerous to leave an abusive man if you do it the wrong way, or at the wrong time. He'll really take it as an attack on his character and could give you hell for it. It's because you're his 'possession' now (especially if you are married). You are his. He owns you. No other man can have you.
* Marriage and changing into a different person
Many people who've never been in such a relationship are probably wondering, "But how can you be so stupid? Didn't you see the warning signs to begin with while you were dating?" Well I can't speak for everyone but since I have low esteem and probably apparently a fear of abandonment I stayed with every guy I dated (no matter how bad or boring the relationship was) because I truly believed I would not find anyone better, so I just stuck it out until they dumped me. So the fact that my ex never dumped me I took it as a good sign that things were going well between us. Any little thing that went wrong I thought I'd get over it. But now I see that those 'fights' we had were definitely NOT normal at all and our relationship has NEVER been 'normal' or healthy. I noticed that although we've always had little fights here and there, it didn't get really bad until just after we were engaged. About a month after we were engaged we had a huge huge fight (over the phone over a few nights) and it just got worse.
After reading so much I have learnt that when you get engaged or married it's as if you are 'his' now, his property. THAT's when his true colors come out. If you are engaged and you see these types of behaviors GET OUT NOW. For your own peace of mind, sanity, and future. At one point I DID actually think about leaving him but we'd always play the emotional tug-of-war with each other. Whenever one wanted to leave the other would remind the other of all the good times we shared and happy memories, photos, etc.. and then the other would change their mind. So we were doomed to be together forever.
So, if you are stupid and desperate enough to get married to such a man (like I did) your life will become hell afterwards. Your friends won't understand so sometimes it doesn't help to talk to them (unless they've been through the same thing). You'll get comments like "Oh but your marriage is so new, you just need time to grow together, work it out..." , "every relationship has its ups and downs". They won't truly understand the depth of your problem at all. You need to speak to a professional, or do what I did and read as much as you can and HONESTLY analyze your relationship and your life. If you keep lying to and deluding yourself that your life is normal and your relationship is fine, sooner or later it'll just catch up with you and that's why you get women married to these types of men for DECADES while their self esteem has eroded away to nothing. They have no friends, no hobbies, and later no money. Then they totally rely on their husband for everything because they truly have nothing and noone to turn to.
It took me many many months to see that I should have ended the relationship way before we got married but the thing with that was I guess I was seeking validation. For years I felt like a 'nobody' and I felt that by being married I had finally achieved something, a bit like that high school dropout who then went on to complete a bachelor's degree. After I slowly and gradually admitted to myself I NEEDED to get out of this relationship/marriage ASAP I started to actually feel a bit stronger. There was a long period of time where I was 'sitting on the fence' too and I still find myself having those thoughts but nope, my mind is DEFINITELY made up now.
After being blind and 'stupid' for so long I can finally see the error of my ways and will make a promise to myself to stop looking for and 'finding' men like this.
* Isolation and his allies
A common theme it appears is that controlling men will find a way to isolate you from your family and friends. It may just be coincidental but if you do not have your support network around you (or if you just don't have one, period) he'll use this against you. He'll say things like, "You're so difficult, no wonder you have no friends." Or "...no wonder your mother doesn't even like you" etc. He knows that if you try to get out of the relationship noone will believe anything you say about him (and he's right) because on the outside he has it ALL while you have barely anything.
* Co-dependency
I didn't really understand what this was until recently because I kept reading about alcoholism and since neither my ex-husband I were alcoholics (in fact I don't drink at all and he very rarely did) I thought it didn't apply to us but now have realized that my relationship with my father is extremely co-dependent and pretty much all my past few relationships were too. A co-dependent person will be magnetically attracted to another co-dependent person. They need something from each other and they both think like, "I need you to need me". That's why it's so hard for both parties to break out of the relationship. They each actually feel that the other person cannot survive without them. For me, once again, it was the money thing. I'm not proud of it but now it appears I have been somewhat 'using' men for money. It was not a conscious thing at all but I was just replaying over and over again the relationship with my father, who was my provider. At one stage I racked up a huge credit card debt and let both my father and ex-husband pay it off for me. Yes, I know, it was childish, immature and irresponsible but it actually just felt normal because they were 'happy' to do it for me. They were my 'enabler' and I thought they did it out of 'love' but really, it was just all about control. They enabled me to do things that were destructive to my life(style). I seem to always be attracted to enablers. For me it was credit card debt but for other people it could be worse things like doing drugs and dangerous activities. Meanwhile, my ex-husband was very disorganized (and perhaps ADD) and I felt I had to 'mother' him in so many ways to organize his life for him and make sure all his tasks were done, it was as if I was like his personal assistant and yes there were times I honestly did wonder what he'd do without me! He didn't know how to manage his life at all and I felt I had to 'save' him in one way or another. It's funny how the mind plays tricks on you like that. But after I realize what's been going on I'm never ever going to be that person again.
* Change
In my experience I do not think an abusive man can change, ever. He can make promises, attend therapy/counselling sessions, read books, talk to friends, etc. It's not going to happen. As they say "a leopard can't change its spots". Deep down an abusive and controlling man believes that there is nothing wrong with him, therefore he doesn't really need to change (no matter how much other people tell him he needs to). So even if he does these sort term 'solutions' he'll still revert back to his old ways. It's part of who he is. Many women like myself cling to the hope that if she does xyz then maybe he'll change but FORGET IT. It doesn't matter how perfect you look, or dress or behave, or cook, or clean, NOTHING can make him change into the person you want him to be. Of course you'll go through the cycle of sweetness and light but beware that one day BOOM! He'll explode over some other little thing that you've done 'wrong'.
SO WHAT DO I DO NOW?
You need to make a PLAN. If your man is truly emotionally abusive it may escalate into physical abuse so you need to protect yourself. You need to make a concrete plan to get out safely (especially if there are children involved). This is beyond the scope of my knowledge (as I'm by no means a professional) so I advise you to seek help, or call the relevant hotline in your area, or speak to a good friend. But whatever you do, you need to do something NOW. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be to leave. I wish you good luck.
I hope you find this article somewhat useful. I will add more to this blog later if I feel there is something I have missed. I wish you all the best and truly hope that you find what you are looking for and what we are all looking for - love, joy, happiness, peace, contentment and fulfillment.
Disclaimer: These are just MY experiences. I'm not saying that everyone will go through the same things as I have, or do the same things as I did, but I still hope this gives you an idea of what's been happening if you've been in abusive relationship for a long time.
After realizing that time and time again I kept attracting and dating the 'same' loser guy and reading endless amounts of information I vow to STOP this behavior once and for all. Not only that (if I can) hope to help stop it happening to other women as well.
First of all - and the same goes for any kind of health problem (physical or mental) - no two people with the same problem will have exactly the same 'symptoms'.
Secondly, abusive men are NOT born, they are made. There are many causes why they behave like this but from my personal experience bad role modeling is the main one. It does not matter if his parents are widowed, divorced, separated, married, whatever. The fact is, the father was NOT THERE. Even if he was there physically he was not there emotionally. And even if he was there he was more than likely sending out a subliminal message to this baby/toddler/child/teenager/young adult that it's OK to treat his wife(the guy's mother)/women like a servant or a slave. If you observe his father (or your own father) critically you'll see (in hindsight) that the signs were all there. And of course HIS father was probably also the same and back and back through the generations it goes...
Thirdly, to put it bluntly, the woman who puts up with his crap has low self esteem and probably has had for a large part of her life. The relationship with her father plays a HUGE part in all of this too, particularly if she is an only child, the oldest child, or the only girl in the family.
I liken the woman's self esteem to health of a human body. People with good self esteem are healthy. People with low self esteem are weak. The man is like a virus (let's say the flu) who tries to attack everybody, but knows it can only succeed by attacking the weak (which is why not everybody has the flu at the same time, and some people catch it really easily, and some hardly ever get sick). The man (or the flu) KNOWS and can scope out these WEAK people are and attack them because it knows that the STRONG people will not tolerate them, or be able to give them the flick and not put up with them. I'm not sure if everyone gets that analogy but that's how I look at it anyway.
Meanwhile, no matter how arrogant, cocky, egotistical this man appears on the outside, deep down he ALSO has feelings of insecurity and low self esteem (not that he'd admit it in a hundred years).
So, knowing these basic facts, here are some other similarities based on my years of experience of dating these losers.
* Above average in looks
* Above average in intelligence
* Above average in status/wealth/career
* Above average in health and fitness
* Has lots of (male) friends (who actually have the exact same mentality about women)
The abusive man (or loser) will more than likely have ALL of these characteristics, or at least 3 or 4 of them.
I don't know about you but I would have thought that every woman would be looking for a guy with these characteristics. I was looking for them both consciously and subconsciously. I mean you hear about people talking about wanting their children to be 1) healthy, 2) intelligent, 3) beautiful and therefore I assume that every woman wants the same for a future partner too. Well I did. For me there was another part of the equation and that was the career/money thing. It didn't always start out like that because I was a student and they were a student too so neither of us had full-time jobs, but then as I finished studying and started dating guys who WERE working full-time somehow my unconscious mind told me I needed to find someone with 'status'. They didn't have to be exceedingly wealthy (average income was fine by me, I am NOT a gold digger - at least not consciously) but they had to earn enough to live on and earn enough to be a 'provider'. I realize that this was happening without me knowing due to my relationship with my father, who has always been my provider and provided for me financially. So basically, deep down, I was looking for a man who had all the qualities (both good and bad) that my father did.
The thing is though (whether you realize or not) you too will have all or most of the qualities on that list too. Basically what I'm trying to say is that the both of you are the types of people who others think 'have it all' on the outside, but deep down you're both just lost, scared, have low self-esteem, looking for love and validation, and more than likely co-dependent (more about that later).
THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM
The first time you meet them, or the first date, they will absolutely blow your mind with their charm, wit and charisma. You are constantly thinking to yourself, "How lucky am I to have not only found a guy like this, but to find a guy like this who actually likes me?" Your mind starts clicking overtime and you can already imagine yourself dating him long term and maybe spending the rest of your life with him... They will impress you in many ways. Mostly their charm. They will really be a "Prince Charming", but they will also impress you in other areas such as how intelligent they are and how much they know about (seemingly) every topic under the sun, their job, how much travel they have done, and various things like that. They will have lots of interesting stories to tell (just like I'm sure you do too).
The both of you will feel some kind of 'instant attraction' as if you were just 'meant to be'. Unlike normal/good/healthy relationships which happen gradually over time, yours will be instant and fast. It's as if you stop thinking rationally and everything just goes out the window because you are so much in 'love'. The first few dates or weeks (months even) will be amazing and you'll feel highs like you have never felt before. You'll be on Cloud Nine every day. You'll find it hard to concentrate on other areas in your life because you'll be thinking about this guy and the time you shared together 24/7.
So, before you know it, you're a couple, an 'item', and you're in a long-term relationship. Things will progress naturally but then gradually the 'red flags' will start coming up. You probably DO see them but choose to ignore them because you are so much in 'love' and feel like it's not a big deal.
But back to the QUALITIES
* Charming
As described above
* Lack of respect for women
Stereotypically, an abusive man has no regard for women and views them in a lesser light than men. You will read this everywhere. However, from my personal experience, the abusive man who is extremely intelligent and cunning knows that women are looking to see how he treats other women (ie how he talks about his mother or sister/s or ex, how he treats the waitress, etc). He's probably had his fare share of women who dumped him for his abusive ways and has read up on this and knows how to 'trick' his date/future girlfriend.
So either he'll totally degrade women verbally (and maybe not so openly but more subliminally) OR he'll be at the other end of the spectrum (where in hindsight I can see it was totally over the top) where he is pro-women's rights and keeps says that this or that is too sexist, praise every female he knows (especially his mother), say that he hated how his dad treated his mother and he never wants to be like that, or say that his dad told him he was never to disrespect his mother, etc etc.
* Sense of entitlement
The abusive man will feel entitled to everything. He has rights and privileges that his partner (or children) do not. Not only does he look down on women, he looks down on children, animals, those of a different race, basically anything 'lesser' than him. Not only is he sexist but probably racist and homophobic too; he would never admit this and would even go the other way to say how he is so against discrimination etc.
* Money
Like the women thing above, this could also go both ways. Either he is exceedingly generous with his money (which is what I've experienced 9 times out of 10) or extremely stingy. The other scenario is that he has no job and/or no money and wants to live off you (I have read about this but I have no experience in this scenario so won't talk about it).
For me (it's taken me this long to realize) my mind somehow interlinked money with love. I know that my father loves me but he never ever showed it through affection (physical contact) or words or anything like that so somehow my brain thought that money equated with love. If a person (especially a man) gave me money or gifts, or fancy dinners or anything, it somehow meant that he loved me. Or at the very least adored me and therefore made me feel really special. It was a real light bulb moment when I FINALLY realized this.
* Romance and Chivalry
It seems that money and romance are kind of linked, for me anyway. It seems that all the 'charming' men I have dated knew how to sweep me off my feet with romantic gestures and spending money on me. It's almost as if they are mind readers. They know what you want and they know what you want to hear. They know EXACTLY what you want (probably from watching too many romantic comedies, I don't know) because it's what every woman wants. To feel special. To feel like the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful woman in the world.
So, fairly early on (on the first date or subsequent dates), he'll either carry out these romantic gestures or he'll start making plans for them. He'll do things like bring you a gift (or flowers or chocolates) on the first date, he'll take you to a fancy (more than likely expensive) restaurant, offer to pay for the meal (and refuse if you offer), he'll be completely and utterly chivalrous (pull out your chair for you, let you walk through a doorway or staircase first, offer you his coat if you're cold, walk you back home or to your car, wait with you, make sure you're safe if you're crossing the road, and all the other things we see in Hollywood movies and are looking for in a man).
In the early stages of dating (first few weeks up to about 3 months) he'll just blow you away with all these kinds of gestures. He'll show up on your doorstep unannounced with some kind of gift, or tickets to something, or call you and tell you he's taking you to a 'mystery' restaurant for a 'surprise', You'll be over the moon every day you're with him and your friends will think you're the luckiest girl on earth (as you do too).
Now, I am sure there are guys who are NOT abusive and who do NOT have ulterior motives for doing these kind of things but since I have never been in such a relationship I can't comment on that aspect but just wanted to note I'm not saying that every romantic and chivalrous guy is an abusive loser.
* Sensitivity and taking criticism
One particular guy I dated (we only lasted 4 dates) blew me away in so many areas - mostly his model-like looks and his intelligence but he was just so sensitive. It was like walking on eggshells all the time. He couldn't take any sort of constructive criticism and took everything really personally. I didn't think much of it at the time but now have realized it is a trait of abusive men. Of course noone likes to be criticized, but in abusive men they take it MUCH harder than any normal person and they'll turn it around and make YOU feel like the most horrible person for saying such things (when it was hardly anything). Fact is: No abusive man can take any sort of criticism. If you're in a long-term relationship with one you'll eventually give up discussing any sort of serious topic because it's bound to end in tears and fireworks. They take it as a personal attack on their character and blow up like a bomb. They only expect complete adoration and admiration. You can never EVER say anything that's the slightest bit negative (now matter how nicely, slowly, softly, gently and constructively you say it).
* Criticizing YOU
So, you can't criticize him in any shape or form, but he'll have free reign to criticize every single thing about you - from the way you wear your hair, to the clothes you wear, the friends you hang out with, your job or your studies, your habits, how well you clean the house...
If the house is not perfectly immaculate 24/7 or the dinner you've made isn't five-star hotel quality - BEWARE! You'll constantly feel on edge and as if you are just not good enough and somehow, if you keep trying, you can eventually please him. But FORGET IT. You'll never live up to his standards of perfection. He expects women to be perfect in every single way. (the same with his father and his mother). He'll start making little comments regarding your appearance and you'll feel like you have to dress like a 'stepford wife' at home all the time.
* Low self esteem
As mentioned above, although it may seem unlikely to you now, BOTH of you have low self-esteem. An abusive relationship just works like that. An abusive man puts on a big show and bravado (because to the rest of the outside world he IS the perfect gentleman in every way, shape and form) about how great he is, he acts egotistical and all, but deep down has self-loathing and fear. Control and power is all about fear. So, he tries to control you. And you just take it. Month after month, year after year. You don't realize what's happening because it's all so gradual but sooner or later you've been worn down to NOTHING and you have NO self esteem left. At all.
* Control
Most people think of control as something physical. Like pushing someone but psychological control is much harder to detect. And as I said before, when some happens so gradually and slowly you don't realize that it's happening until (sometimes) it's too late. So anyway the abusive man will control you in little subtle ways. It's similar to criticizing you, but apparently it's all for your own good. He knows he has power over you in every way shape and form (usually but not always he is older, taller, heavier, and of course stronger). Then there is the money thing again. Statistically men earn more money than women, and more women stay at home to look after children than men. So of course it is likely he'll earn more than you (but not always). If he does he'll use it to control you. Where at first he was 'just' being generous and romantic, he's now using it to keep you 'hostage'.
A lot of women find it hard to leave an abusive man for this very reason. Especially if they have children. They feel they will be unable to start from scratch. Unable to pay for housing, bills, food, the car etc. They can see no way out of their hopeless situation because they have no job and/or money of their own, so they stay. For years. Or even a lifetime. I think that is really sad and shows that your self esteem CAN be whittled down to nothing if you keep staying with a man like this. After giving it a great deal of thought I realized that my ex-mother-in-law has had the same treatment from my ex-father-in-law. It just explains so much.
So that's enough about the qualities... Back to my ex-inlaws.
When I was first dating my ex-husband he was sharing (renting) an apartment with 2 friends. After some months he purchased a property (for investment) and because of the mortgage decided to move back home and luckily his parents didn't expect him to pay any rent. (he didn't move into the property because it was way too far from his work). So because he lived at home now I spent a great deal of time observing his parents and how they interacted with him, and with each other. Fairly early on in the relationship all of us actually went overseas too with his brother and wife, and other friends of theirs. I guess I've always been a very perceptive person (well I hope so) and always analyzing people, things, situations... and now I realized that all those weird, crazy, bad feelings and 'vibes' I got from their family were well and truly founded.
If you look at their family from the outside they are pretty normal and 'perfect'. You've got the mother and father, married 30+ years, with the 2 handsome, successful sons with good jobs and properties. They all make a decent income and live in a nice home in a nice suburb. When I asked my ex about his childhood he had nothing but good things to say about his parents and about growing up.
But the more I thought about my ex-FIL the more things became clearer. The way he treated his wife. She had been working full-time since she finished high school up till now (so around 40 years) and was also the cleaner, cook and primary caretaker of their children. I sat around in their house on weekends and observed how the father never helped with anything and just sat in front of the tv like a lazy couch potato, allowing his wife to do everything. And I mean everything. Even taking the dog for a walk, or mowing the lawn. I just thought she liked doing these things but now I realize she was doing them to escape the wrath she'd incur if she DIDN'T do them.
Then were were his 'little' comments about women and Asian (or some other ethnic race) women in particular, and why he/they liked going to Thailand and going to 'go go bars' and such. Then there was the time my sister was invited to their house to have dinner and my ex-FIL just wouldn't stop talking and when ex-MIL interrupted she looked very guilty and said, "Sorry" and he gave her a 'look' as if to say, "How DARE you interrupt me, how dare you say anything at all!" kind of thing. Then there were the times he'd put me down and then when I got upset would laugh and say, "Oh but I was only joking. Don't be so sensitive." etc. So here's another quality...
* Talking way too much
A common theme I've found is that abusive men talk too much. WAY too much. My father is the opposite so he doesn't count (as I've said, no two abusive men will have the same traits) but generally speaking, abusive and controlling men are VERY very good at talking. They are good at public speaking, speeches and presentations. They make good salesmen. Statistically, women talk more than men but with abusive men it's usually equal to or even more. They just talk non-stop all the time and they usually have to be the center of attention (though not with everyone) when they are with a group of friends. Like I said before, they expect admiration and adoration at all times.
When you are first dating this comes off as a good thing. Even though they are talking a lot they still seem to be listening to you. And then you remember your friends' complaints about their partner not talking enough and you think to yourself, "Gee, how lucky am I to have found a guy I can talk to so easily!"
* Clinginess, neediness, obsession with you
It may take you some time (and maybe you saw the 'red flags' all along but chose to ignore them) but from the beginning I can see now in hindsight that there were these elements all along. YOU think that he just thinks you're 'special' but sooner or later his clingy, needy side will show and then eventually you'll realize he's well and truly just OBSESSED with you. This is why it can be dangerous to leave an abusive man if you do it the wrong way, or at the wrong time. He'll really take it as an attack on his character and could give you hell for it. It's because you're his 'possession' now (especially if you are married). You are his. He owns you. No other man can have you.
* Marriage and changing into a different person
Many people who've never been in such a relationship are probably wondering, "But how can you be so stupid? Didn't you see the warning signs to begin with while you were dating?" Well I can't speak for everyone but since I have low esteem and probably apparently a fear of abandonment I stayed with every guy I dated (no matter how bad or boring the relationship was) because I truly believed I would not find anyone better, so I just stuck it out until they dumped me. So the fact that my ex never dumped me I took it as a good sign that things were going well between us. Any little thing that went wrong I thought I'd get over it. But now I see that those 'fights' we had were definitely NOT normal at all and our relationship has NEVER been 'normal' or healthy. I noticed that although we've always had little fights here and there, it didn't get really bad until just after we were engaged. About a month after we were engaged we had a huge huge fight (over the phone over a few nights) and it just got worse.
After reading so much I have learnt that when you get engaged or married it's as if you are 'his' now, his property. THAT's when his true colors come out. If you are engaged and you see these types of behaviors GET OUT NOW. For your own peace of mind, sanity, and future. At one point I DID actually think about leaving him but we'd always play the emotional tug-of-war with each other. Whenever one wanted to leave the other would remind the other of all the good times we shared and happy memories, photos, etc.. and then the other would change their mind. So we were doomed to be together forever.
So, if you are stupid and desperate enough to get married to such a man (like I did) your life will become hell afterwards. Your friends won't understand so sometimes it doesn't help to talk to them (unless they've been through the same thing). You'll get comments like "Oh but your marriage is so new, you just need time to grow together, work it out..." , "every relationship has its ups and downs". They won't truly understand the depth of your problem at all. You need to speak to a professional, or do what I did and read as much as you can and HONESTLY analyze your relationship and your life. If you keep lying to and deluding yourself that your life is normal and your relationship is fine, sooner or later it'll just catch up with you and that's why you get women married to these types of men for DECADES while their self esteem has eroded away to nothing. They have no friends, no hobbies, and later no money. Then they totally rely on their husband for everything because they truly have nothing and noone to turn to.
It took me many many months to see that I should have ended the relationship way before we got married but the thing with that was I guess I was seeking validation. For years I felt like a 'nobody' and I felt that by being married I had finally achieved something, a bit like that high school dropout who then went on to complete a bachelor's degree. After I slowly and gradually admitted to myself I NEEDED to get out of this relationship/marriage ASAP I started to actually feel a bit stronger. There was a long period of time where I was 'sitting on the fence' too and I still find myself having those thoughts but nope, my mind is DEFINITELY made up now.
After being blind and 'stupid' for so long I can finally see the error of my ways and will make a promise to myself to stop looking for and 'finding' men like this.
* Isolation and his allies
A common theme it appears is that controlling men will find a way to isolate you from your family and friends. It may just be coincidental but if you do not have your support network around you (or if you just don't have one, period) he'll use this against you. He'll say things like, "You're so difficult, no wonder you have no friends." Or "...no wonder your mother doesn't even like you" etc. He knows that if you try to get out of the relationship noone will believe anything you say about him (and he's right) because on the outside he has it ALL while you have barely anything.
* Co-dependency
I didn't really understand what this was until recently because I kept reading about alcoholism and since neither my ex-husband I were alcoholics (in fact I don't drink at all and he very rarely did) I thought it didn't apply to us but now have realized that my relationship with my father is extremely co-dependent and pretty much all my past few relationships were too. A co-dependent person will be magnetically attracted to another co-dependent person. They need something from each other and they both think like, "I need you to need me". That's why it's so hard for both parties to break out of the relationship. They each actually feel that the other person cannot survive without them. For me, once again, it was the money thing. I'm not proud of it but now it appears I have been somewhat 'using' men for money. It was not a conscious thing at all but I was just replaying over and over again the relationship with my father, who was my provider. At one stage I racked up a huge credit card debt and let both my father and ex-husband pay it off for me. Yes, I know, it was childish, immature and irresponsible but it actually just felt normal because they were 'happy' to do it for me. They were my 'enabler' and I thought they did it out of 'love' but really, it was just all about control. They enabled me to do things that were destructive to my life(style). I seem to always be attracted to enablers. For me it was credit card debt but for other people it could be worse things like doing drugs and dangerous activities. Meanwhile, my ex-husband was very disorganized (and perhaps ADD) and I felt I had to 'mother' him in so many ways to organize his life for him and make sure all his tasks were done, it was as if I was like his personal assistant and yes there were times I honestly did wonder what he'd do without me! He didn't know how to manage his life at all and I felt I had to 'save' him in one way or another. It's funny how the mind plays tricks on you like that. But after I realize what's been going on I'm never ever going to be that person again.
* Change
In my experience I do not think an abusive man can change, ever. He can make promises, attend therapy/counselling sessions, read books, talk to friends, etc. It's not going to happen. As they say "a leopard can't change its spots". Deep down an abusive and controlling man believes that there is nothing wrong with him, therefore he doesn't really need to change (no matter how much other people tell him he needs to). So even if he does these sort term 'solutions' he'll still revert back to his old ways. It's part of who he is. Many women like myself cling to the hope that if she does xyz then maybe he'll change but FORGET IT. It doesn't matter how perfect you look, or dress or behave, or cook, or clean, NOTHING can make him change into the person you want him to be. Of course you'll go through the cycle of sweetness and light but beware that one day BOOM! He'll explode over some other little thing that you've done 'wrong'.
SO WHAT DO I DO NOW?
You need to make a PLAN. If your man is truly emotionally abusive it may escalate into physical abuse so you need to protect yourself. You need to make a concrete plan to get out safely (especially if there are children involved). This is beyond the scope of my knowledge (as I'm by no means a professional) so I advise you to seek help, or call the relevant hotline in your area, or speak to a good friend. But whatever you do, you need to do something NOW. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be to leave. I wish you good luck.
I hope you find this article somewhat useful. I will add more to this blog later if I feel there is something I have missed. I wish you all the best and truly hope that you find what you are looking for and what we are all looking for - love, joy, happiness, peace, contentment and fulfillment.
Disclaimer: These are just MY experiences. I'm not saying that everyone will go through the same things as I have, or do the same things as I did, but I still hope this gives you an idea of what's been happening if you've been in abusive relationship for a long time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)